First off, hey, it’s been a while. Every now and then I check the analytics if I’m bored and I remember that people still read the stuff I post sometimes, other times a friend’ll reach out to me and ask what’s happening with the blog. Honestly, I don’t know. I either don’t have time or I don’t have ideas or I don’t know if it’s worth putting what I think out.

Moving on

Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue how I’m going to write anything about this. Everything has been so tough lately that I just don’t know what to do. The constant detachment, the anxiety, the scratch for a cigarette and a beer, the scratch for love.

Love. That feeling again. That feeling of just knowing. Knowing it’s the person, knowing that they understand you and you understand them. The one that you love a lot.

Yet when it’s gone, you struggle so much to find it again. You can be in so many different situationships but it’s still so difficult to even know what you want anymore.

I could ramble on for hours about how unfair shit it is or some other bullshit like that but honestly I doubt no one would sit here and read all of that shit lmao

Even with love, life was hard, it’s just harder without it. It feels like shit never fucking ends and you just always trip over yourself. I don’t know how to describe what the fuck I feel half the time, it’s such a fucking waste it feels like. I’m sure you can figure out what I mean by it but I’m not going to divulge further just in case.

The disassociation gets worse and worse, the depersonalisation too. It feels like I live more of my life just watching someone else control me than I live it myself now. I fucking hate it so much but there’s nothing I can do. But hey, at least I have the gym right!

I hate even personally opening to anyone because I don’t wanna make their life any harder than it has to be because there’s no way in hell anybody can be perfect. I’m sure you reading this know who you are and I’m sorry I never spoke to you.

Every day feels repetitive and the same at this point. I wake up, eat, go to school, come home and work then go to sleep. Save for some minor changes like if I’m going to the gym or something, there’s nothing going on.

Honestly the Kurt Cobain way feels like a very strong contender at the moment for what to do next with my life.

I’m 18 soon. I relapsed again, I get horrible spurts of depersonalisation and I want to kill myself. Sure, I have a plan of what I want to do with my future but honestly I don’t know if I can stick to that for so much longer.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels like this, this disconnected from life. Like you’re watching yourself go through the motions of life from somewhere far away and you can’t control it. The worst part is seeing people around you all happy and living without any visible issues, while you’re here struggling to even feel present in your own skin. They say it gets better with time, but how much time? How many more nights of staring at the ceiling, trying to piece together who you even are anymore? Crying your eyes out and wishing you weren’t here anymore?

The funny thing about depression is how it makes everything grey. Even the ‘good’ moments just don’t feel good, like they’re happening through a filter. I still laugh at jokes, still smile when I should, but it’s so fucking forced. Like I’m following a script of how a normal person is meant to act.

I keep thinking about deleting all my social media and just disappearing. It’s so fucking exhausting seeing everyone else online pretending to be fine while I’m here barely keeping it together. But then I’d probably feel even more isolated than I already do. It’s a catch-22 - being around people drains me, being alone destroys me.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here. I’m just so fucking tired of this shit.

I’m not sure if I’m even writing this for anyone to read. I’m just so fucking tired of this shit.

I need to apologise to everyone I’ve ever met. I’m sorry I never spoke to you. I’m sorry I never told you how I felt. I’m sorry I never told you I loved you. I’m sorry I never told you I cared. I’m sorry I never told you I was here for you. I wish I never let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.

I’m sorry.

Sometimes I think about the server stuff I work on, or the random tech projects I dive into at 3am. Those moments when I’m swearing at configuration files or debugging some weird network issue - they’re like little breaks from all this real life shit. For a few hours, my brain gets to focus on something concrete, something I can actually fix. It’s not happiness exactly, but it’s… something. A reminder that I can still do things, even when everything feels fucked. That’s if I can even bring myself to focus though.

Maybe that’s why I keep coming back to this blog. Even when everything else feels pointless, there’s something weirdly comforting about throwing words into the void.

What’s next for the blog though?

I just deployed a new TrueNAS Scale server I’ll probably write about as well as other architectural changes I’ve made to my home server setup that I’m applying to my business clients as well which is pretty cool, it’s nice furthering yourself like that I guess.

I’m also planning on completely rewritting the blog (don’t worry, it’ll still be static compiled so it’s fast as fuck for you guys to read). I want to make it a part of a web ring with a couple other friends since that’ll be pretty cool and I really appreciate that era of the internet.

I want to keep on talking about server stuff and other things I’m learning about. I’m also planning on doing more with the blog in general, I’m just not sure what yet.

Maybe working on tech is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane right now, if you can even call my current state that. It’s funny how that works - I can spend hours debugging a broken Docker container but can’t figure out how to fix what’s broken inside my head. At least with code, there’s usually a solution if you look hard enough. Stack Overflow and chatgpt doesn’t have answers for shit in my head tho lmao.

If you relate to any of this shit… I’m sorry. I really am. Please send me a message or something, There’s a lot of do as I say and not as I do bullshit that leaves my mouth but I hope some of it could help you lmao.

I’m sorry.